Breaking News

It's something I just heard about, and it's absolutely shocking.
It's 12:57 AM, July 6th, 2009, and I'm hyperventilating as I write
this. Now, take a seat. (well do you stand at your computer,
you hipster-non-comformist scum.) This is real heavy.

Michael Jackson has passed away. I know, I know. it's terrible.

Okay, now you can have a moment of reflection for the loss of
our "King of Pop". I had to take a moment myself, whether to
actually capitalize the letters in that moniker. I are no English
major.

But seriously folks, what got me to write up this stunning
announcement was the footage of Michael Jackson's ghost
on "Larry King LIVE". Now I know you're thinking, the only
ghost on that show is Larry himself, but people are actually
claiming to see the gloved one's apparition loafing
around in his Neverland ranch.

Here's the video.
(accompanied with some copyrighted horror music)

Now, weirdos, ahem, I mean people are actually
debating this as paranormal fact. As you can see,
the shadow, er ah, Jacko slinks through some sort
of hallway vanishes into thin air. Now, this leads me
to the realization that people are more fucking nuts
than ever.

Seriously.

Poor Jermaine, a chance to bask in the light after all
these years of eating beans straight from the tin can, absolutely
shunned by society. The public, more in favor of his talented,
highly controversial brother. Now MJ is stealing his thunder
once again! Holy Mackerel, you done good, Mikey.

Which leads me to the celeb frenzy that occurs when one reaches
a status that few can. "Celebortality", because my penchant for
phrasing is awful. One can be canonized no matter what they did
or didn't do that leaves a stigma on them when they're alive,
but vanishes once they're no longer on this earth . . . er spiritually.
I'm sure 35% of his original body is there somewhere at the funeral.

No, I'm not trying to make light of the situation,
but it's amazing how quick the tide has turned in favor
of Jackson. I myself, who is somewhat an emotionless tool,
was caught off guard when I actually felt a jolt of sentimentality
hit me when I heard "The Way you make me feel" on
the radio the day of his death. I received a call informing me he
had died hours earlier, and I replied with the
flippant "Bullshit." There it was though,
Jacko gone.

A friend of mine commented that he thought
Jackson had absolutely no talent at all,
and didn't understand the big deal. While he
is a fair many years shy of my age, I tried to
explain Jacko's impact on the world without
sounding like a maniacal fan. Alas, he complains
that Jackson never wrote any music that
dealt with healing the soul and the world like
"Angels and Airwaves" and "Coldplay" do.
I kind of figured from there, that, ah he's probably
never listened to the music once. So I'll just let that
go. Musical tastes aside of course. Busting
your balls here, bro! What's the worst that
can happen to him, a bunch of saucy fruits in
lycra jackets tying their arms to his and having
a dance off?!

Unfortunately for Jacko, his negative buzz
stuck with him well after he was no longer relevant.
The abnormal lifestyle, the cosmetic surgery, giving
Marlon Brando a cameo in his
"blood on the dance floor" video. It goes
on and on. Although, now the public has been
rushing to cash in on Michael's notoriety,
and I don't blame people on wanting to
make money. Holy shit though, now I'm seeing as
much MJ paraphernalia as I do Obama shirts.



(That's an actual shirt. I kid you not. I facepalmed hard when i saw it
on sale at Union Square Park.)

Infact, I know a girl who's selling I heart MJ shirts, it's quite a smart,
simple design, and I'm sure when he comes back from hell
to drag her down, he'll look snazzy in one too. In final
remembrance of the quite talented Michael, I leave
you with one of his more rare collaborations
with a fine pop singer of the eighties, a Mr. Edward Murphy.